#realtalk

i'm going to be honest with you...

i'm a tourist...

i was fine for the first term but dropped off the deep end and couldn't get myself to post anymore

this is probably the hardest thing to admit and i didn't do it on purpose

i wanted to be real with my posts

it was a release for me

i really only used the blog as a release

once i found truth in my life (not fully but to an extent) i didn't really find a need for that release and never posted

Here's to the tourists like me

My name is Chris Smith and I'm a tourist
(admitting to it is the first step to recovery right? or is it a disease that you can't recover from?)

Death

Why do we need to talk about death...?
We have life. We live and breath. We shouldn't take that for granted.
We have limited time. Why should we waste it?

Esrever

...hsifles etiuq s'tI .ton m'I dalg m'I ,semit rehto tuB ?ecaf ot sah enoyreve taht smelborp eht htiw laed ot evah t'ndid uoy hsiW ?enoemos htiw secalp esrever ot detnaw uoy taht noitisop dab a hcus ni neeb reve uoy evaH

Fears

I'm afraid of the past
Of what it might do to me

I'm afraid of the silence
Of what I can't hear

I'm afraid of my crush
Of what I can't say

I'm afraid of nothing
Of not doing anything in life

I'm afraid of...

How to get through highschool

1. Don't listen to anybody. "You are beautiful". You are! Listen!

2. "Don't listen!!". You are beautiful.

3. Create new scars
          This isn't even about the scars or high school
                    This is about sanity over survival

4. Cut the voices out. "You are such a freak"

5...

1. Find a thick, believable story

2. Become that person

3. Don't be yourself

4. Pretend that you have always had a great life

5. You can't look like you're alone. It has a bad rep

6. Go hang out with people that you try to fit in with

7. Netflix? Hell yeah

8. Pretend you know what's going on

9. Write your horrors down

10. Burn it... BURN THE PAST... Forget it... Be you...

11. Forget 1-8

Lie

We all lie. Whether it's to get out of trouble. Or maybe so you don't get asked more questions. Or even hide a deeper secret. My whole life was a lie. I acted so people would think I was decent person. But I am filled with demons. Always have been. Whether if the bullies put them there, or I let them in has yet to be found. I lied to my family.

For 17 years I acted a role that I was never made to play. When you decide that you are done acting, done losing your sanity, that's when you start to feel better. The hardest part of it all, is hurting the very one person that you love. The one that you know will be hurt the most. And they will want release, because "you don't see life the same way". You don't meet eye to eye on things.

What's Red And Bad For Your Teeth?

A classic anti joke. The answer is "A brick". But it's true and this subject is impossible to write about. Some how relate to it bullying or how shitty life is. But I'm drawing blanks here. This post is as simple as a brick and I'm sorry. No inspiration. Bricks just aren't my thing I guess.

High School Love

Oh high school. Why do you have to be so boring,
                                                                     sad,
                                                                     depressing,

                                                                     fun,

                                                                     exciting,

                                                                     full of emotion,

                                                                     ...

                                                                     full of love?

I think I found love? Maybe not... It feels like it. Or did. I don't know. But when you tell them the truth. About how you want to live life, it falls apart. We realize we can't be together for life so maybe it's not love. But this isn't about me. It's about the other individual. But it feels like love.

You're supposed to make them happy,

                                open the door for them,

                                listen to them,

                                help them with their problems,

                                love them?

Of course you're supposed to love them! But do you love them? In love with them? Or both? If you think it's love... You're probably... Thinking off emotion. The hype of having someone like you back? But did you make it past the first month? Did you fight? Love will have fighting. If you don't fight... I don't know what it is. I can't determine that for you. But it feels like love.

Love makes you feel happy,

                                  sad,

                                  joyful,

                                  frustration,

                                  jealous?

All the feelings and emotions of love! Isn't it so wonder.... No! It's not wonderful and candy lollipops all the time! What were you thinking even going into this? It requires hard work to keep it together. From not losing your wits... Screaming out... Staying up all night to cry... But it feels like love.

But it feels like love.

To This Day

Sharing my favorite poem thing whatever you would call it because it's so good.

#sorrynotsorry

Have you ever apologized for something you're not really sorry about? Happens all the time. You do it so they feel better. You do it for them. That's contradicting my other blog post about being honest to yourself. And how you need to tell the truth and in this case you aren't. But it's life, we are human and by nature most of us lie to avoid emotional or physical trauma. Plus I used a pound sign (what most people call hashtag for some reason) and I hate them.

Human

Humans are so strange. The way we sing and dance. The movement, the shape, the weird freaking thing in the back of your throat that they named a uvula. But what makes us human? Is it the emotions? Is it the way we feel for others? When you know you've hurt someones feelings and you feel guilty? I think that's what makes us human.

Honestly

Honestly, be honest. Yes be honest to others. But more importantly, be honest to yourself. What makes you happy in life? Don't listen to the people around you. Don't let those people decide what you like for you. On that note. Don't decide what other people like for them. Nobody likes getting ideas/thoughts shoved down their throats like a big glob of mashed potatoes.

You are the only one in control of your life. If someone else appears to be controlling it, you're letting them. Don't let them control you. You won't be showing all your self potential and beauty. Once you decide to make your own choices, that's when you'll find true happiness. Think for yourself.

Broken

We are all broken like crayons. Once looking very colorful and ready to draw. But as we get used, some of us break. A quick snap and you are broken to tears. In the silence of the moment. The quick emotions that come. Anger, frustration, Envy. It's not the end of the world. You will be shaped and molded by these experiences. Draw more beautiful pictures.

Remember

Remember the moments. The feelings. The people. Because it'll never come back. Keep them near you and when you let all that go, that's when you'll find yourself. We all have to find who we are. It's a life long struggle between sanity and who we will become.

Don't forget the memories. The emotions. How to be human. Because once you've become heartless, you've lost everything. There is a rhythm and a rhyme to humanity that strikes the heart. If you only look for the worst, all you'll find is darkness.

Remember.

A Night to Remeber

Oh life. You never fail to make it better, but only to drag you further into the depths. Everyone knows the feeling. You! You're reading this... Something is going great in life. And in the matter of seconds you find yourself trapped. Grip those chains. Let life go on. It will always find a way. If you're struggling to want more of this so called, "life", you are like me. Countless times feeling like chains hold you down. The demons inside. They love broken hearts.

You, like others have broken hearts. Whether it's from a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a lost friend, or even just your lost soul. I don't know you, but I know that everyone feels this way. Cry it out! It really does help. Find a place of serenity. Be with me this night. All alone. Stay up late, looking for something to cheer you up. Please don't tell me I'm the only one...

Over and Over Again

This introduction might define you. Put words to your pen name that you can't change. People don't forget. Sticks and stones. Words will strengthen you. Only if you would listen to the people that tell you that you are Beautiful. But instead, we listen to the words that bring us down. You can't make it. Words that stick like permanent glue. Stuck to the soul. The writer's soul.

It's the story of all our lives. We choose what words hurt us. Not really. I lied. You don't choose, because they are taking you. Trapping you in a box. Like a jack in the box. Continually popping out to show who are you. Only to scare people. Put right back into the box. But you failed to realize that it always gives a good laugh. A smile. Stick around a little longer. Don't put jack back.

I am Simply Envy. We all struggle through the grips of hell. The pain that silence brings. The pain of feeling alone in this cruel world. You are not alone. We all feel lonely.